As a kid I had rather weird ideas, self developed
concepts, wisdom that I had realized in the few years of my earthly existence……
the faint line between reality and my
imagination was almost non-existent. I had my own notions about things, and
felt strangely confident about them, in fact sometimes I was so proud of
myself, thinking I was the only one who was able to crack these mysteries!
There was no ambiguity or obscurity; I was the detective in the thriller written
by God called ‘Life’!
My earliest
memories are of Santa-Claus and the deep affection I held for him. Oh! That
vision of the plump old man with his “HO HO HO! “ that I had in my mind never failed to bring a
smile to my face! My belief in Santa knew
no bounds, though I had a couple of friends who did not get regular visits from
him, when it came to me I was always a good girl and my dear old Santa never
forgot my presents! I was extremely excited to see what he would get me each
time…I jumped out of bed each Christmas morning to find the most beautifully
wrapped present waiting to be torn open.
Not once in
all those years did I get something that I did not like or that deep within my
heart I did not want! Hmmm… something was fishy here..How did Santa know
exactly what I wanted? I thought hard about this, I talked to some of my
friends, not all of them got what they wanted, but why me? I thought and
thought… All throughout school if one thing was consistent it was the word
“chatterbox” in the Remarks section of
my report card.. and it struck me… Santa had only one job, he had to
find out what each kid wanted… for that he disguised himself as a normal
looking human being, he could be the ice cream man who came to my house sometimes, with his cart, or the aunty who
owned the grocery store nearby, the new driver or just about anybody! And
because I was so expressive about what I wanted it was always easy for him,
wherever he was, whoever he was, to listen to me, my friends of course were
fools, they barely spoke, if they didn’t let Santa know what they wanted how
would he ever know?
I was so proud of myself to have cracked the mystery, I
remember speaking sweetly to every random person I met, smiling at strangers,
trying to be the most adorable kid around, cause I was so scared one of the
many people I bump into would actually be my dear santa claus in disguise!
An incident I particularly remember related to my “santa
claus memories” is related to this totally delicious candy called Heartbeat
that was around when I was 5. They were heart shaped , in every possible colour
and flavor and I use to totally love
them! One day my stock was over and I desperately wanted more, so I waited for
daddy to come back from office and as soon as he did I demanded to be taken to
the store to buy some of those candies. On the scooter, dad and me, smiling
away, the wind blowing past my face as I narrated a saga of the many incidents
that had taken place in school that day , the princess that I was, my wish was
fulfilled…. But as we were riding back I suddenly realized that had santa been
observing me, he would think I wanted the candy for Christmas too… I was crazy
about them no doubt! But Christmas gifts were supposed to be special…. And so I
said…. “Daddy, these are yummy, but I’m sure what santa gets me is going to be
much more exquisite!”
Oh! Those days! The innocence, the
bliss, the happiness that I received believing in things that I now know never
existed..As I grew I came to know how everything I believed in was fake, how
there was never a tooth fairy, and there
was never going to be a fairy god mother…. How I had no one looking out for me!
How life isn’t all smiles , frilly frocks, and Barbie dolls… From 5 to 20, you
might say I have grown wiser, more mature, braver and what not… but have I?... Today
I have no beliefs, leave alone the confidence to stand up to them… Today I know
that when I step out into the world there is never going to be anyone to catch
me if my step falters…does that make me brave? No it just makes me weak….Sigh!
Sometimes I wish I could trade the wisdom that I have accumulated over the
years for the bliss of not having to know…not having to understand….not having
to deal with the multitude mysteries I can now never even attempt to solve......
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