Who am I ?

Man is a social animal. So I’ve heard… 

“I” am social… Oh! Yes I am…Know the number of friends I have and bet you’ll agree…. And ah! Yes, try messing with me and you’ll know the truth about the animal part too….So well I guess its true… “I” am a social animal….

If you know me closely at all, you will also know that I have a head that is exploding with thoughts and opinions… I don’t care if you didn’t ask me what I thought…. The point is I thought! So you need to hear it… Oh! I love to talk about myself… but today… I stopped for a moment and asked myself a question… Who am I?

This might strike you as bizarre! You might think I’m a lunatic… Its ok… I’m open to interpretation…..What the hell do I mean? Be patient….

When we’re  brought into this world… we’re all the same… Crying little monsters , someone’s bundle of joy… we’re  not born with opinions, or habits … we’re all  the same…”You” and “Me” …. Yet as we grow up, we develop perceptions and point of views……. And it would be totally ok… if these perceptions were forever, but we move forward in life , meet  people, see the world and these too are subject to change......

As kids when I or my friends were mischievous at school… our teachers would often say “Is this what your parents teach you?”  When a little child speaks foul language it is assumed that he picked it up from his parents. We would often feel bad and wonder why the teacher would go to the extent of ridiculing our parents .

So who am I? Do “I” even exist?…. The ideas that I am proud of aren’t even mine… they’re just something I picked up along the way…. Grew up hearing…. From  elders , teachers, friends  and the media…. I feel nothing but shallowness today… Ordinarily I am  extremely proud of myself… but today I realise that I haven’t done anything to be proud of! If I was born in a different city, in a different atmosphere I would have been different! There would have been a different set of people who would have influenced me and today I would have been writing about something else…. Maybe I wouldn’t  even be writing in the first place!...

Often when we are in a conversation with people, they suddenly turn to us and say ,”So what do you think?” Every time you start to open your mouth remember, you’re probably just summarising the opinions of everyone around you…. And then reproducing them…

I know it’s a crazy thought to have… but it is true….

Yet, if my totally awesome theory was indeed true, each pair of twins would be identical in the way they thought and the things they did… this of course isn’t the case… So there has to be something that makes me “Me” and you “You”…. Something that isn’t just about the societies we live in… but is truly only about us…

That something is called a “choice” …. We are but the choices that we make… Its true that everything that I know I have essentially picked up from my surroundings- people, books, etc…. yet I had a choice… I had to decide on the things that I wanted to be a part of myself… the opinions I wished to support…. The road called life is not straight…. It never was….  And the turns here and there do not bear signs saying “Right” or “Wrong”…. I decide where I want to go…I decide who I want to be walking with….. I decide where I want to be…. So yes, I am somebody…. I am “me”….

Sweet Remembrances

As a kid I had rather weird ideas, self developed concepts, wisdom that I had realized in the few years of my earthly existence…… the faint line between  reality and my imagination was almost non-existent. I had my own notions about things, and felt strangely confident about them, in fact sometimes I was so proud of myself, thinking I was the only one who was able to crack these mysteries! There was no ambiguity or obscurity; I was the detective in the thriller written by God called ‘Life’!

     My earliest memories are of Santa-Claus and the deep affection I held for him. Oh! That vision of the plump old man with his “HO HO HO! “  that I had in my mind never failed to bring a smile to my face!  My belief in Santa knew no bounds, though I had a couple of friends who did not get regular visits from him, when it came to me I was always a good girl and my dear old Santa never forgot my presents! I was extremely excited to see what he would get me each time…I jumped out of bed each Christmas morning to find the most beautifully wrapped present waiting to be torn open.

     Not once in all those years did I get something that I did not like or that deep within my heart I did not want! Hmmm… something was fishy here..How did Santa know exactly what I wanted? I thought hard about this, I talked to some of my friends, not all of them got what they wanted, but why me? I thought and thought… All throughout school if one thing was consistent it was the word “chatterbox” in the Remarks section of  my report card.. and it struck me… Santa had only one job, he had to find out what each kid wanted… for that he disguised himself as a normal looking human being, he could be the ice cream man who came to my house  sometimes, with his cart, or the aunty who owned the grocery store nearby, the new driver or just about anybody! And because I was so expressive about what I wanted it was always easy for him, wherever he was, whoever he was, to listen to me, my friends of course were fools, they barely spoke, if they didn’t let Santa know what they wanted how would he ever know?

I was so proud of myself to have cracked the mystery, I remember speaking sweetly to every random person I met, smiling at strangers, trying to be the most adorable kid around, cause I was so scared one of the many people I bump into would actually be my dear santa claus in disguise!

An incident I particularly remember related to my “santa claus memories” is related to this totally delicious candy called Heartbeat that was around when I was 5. They were heart shaped , in every possible colour and  flavor and I use to totally love them! One day my stock was over and I desperately wanted more, so I waited for daddy to come back from office and as soon as he did I demanded to be taken to the store to buy some of those candies. On the scooter, dad and me, smiling away, the wind blowing past my face as I narrated a saga of the many incidents that had taken place in school that day , the princess that I was, my wish was fulfilled…. But as we were riding back I suddenly realized that had santa been observing me, he would think I wanted the candy for Christmas too… I was crazy about them no doubt! But Christmas gifts were supposed to be special…. And so I said…. “Daddy, these are yummy, but I’m sure what santa gets me is going to be much more exquisite!”

           Oh! Those days! The innocence, the bliss, the happiness that I received believing in things that I now know never existed..As I grew I came to know how everything I believed in was fake, how there was  never a tooth fairy, and there was never going to be a fairy god mother…. How I had no one looking out for me! How life isn’t all smiles , frilly frocks, and Barbie dolls… From 5 to 20, you might say I have grown wiser, more mature, braver and what not… but have I?... Today I have no beliefs, leave alone the confidence to stand up to them… Today I know that when I step out into the world there is never going to be anyone to catch me if my step falters…does that make me brave? No it just makes me weak….Sigh! Sometimes I wish I could trade the wisdom that I have accumulated over the years for the bliss of not having to know…not having to understand….not having to deal with the multitude mysteries I can now never even attempt to solve......